Note: I have delayed writing and posting this because I know
it will be controversial.
Many of you know me and know that I am a seminary student
but I also I am a full time manufacturing worker. I work in a production
factory; I supervise, train, develop, and direct a bunch of men. Some of whom
can be pretty rough sometimes. It is not an environment for sensitive ears or
people who get their feelings hurt. I consider this a blessing as I believe the
world needs more bivocational ministers. Being a seminary student and a
licensed minister I get the more than occasional question. It is often easier
to ask me than their own minister (if they even have one). It usually starts
out like’ “you’re a minister….. Or you are in seminary so you would know……”
Since I work with mostly men a lot of those questions regard women,
specifically wives.
The fact that divorce is so common in the church today
concerns me, it concerns me personally as I have been divorced and I understand
all the wounds that can be created by it. I understand there is no such thing
as an innocent party. I also understand we need to begin to change how common
it is in our churches and in the world.
The number one topic that always comes up is sex. Every time
a guy comes to me regarding his marriage it has to do with sex. Not always
directly but it always leads back to sex. Let me throw some of the more common
out there.
- I know I shouldn’t look at porn but my wife won’t even touch me since our kid was born or since her mother moved in. (or any other life change)
- I haven’t done anything or cheated yet but it’s just nice that someone wants to talk to me and actually listen without fussing. I mean I remember when it used to be that way at home.
- I know I shouldn’t look at other women but my wife doesn’t want my attention, so what does it hurt to look.
Now before anyone starts to say that they always are pushing
blame on the wife, yes they are. Just like every wife blames the husband. Truth
is both are to blame most of the time. I tell the men about their
responsibilities (anyone that has ever been to a men’s meeting with me knows this).
When I talk to a couple I will offer information regarding both roles. Today
however I want to share with you all something I have noticed in all these
instances. For whatever the reason at the time, in every case, the couple has
stopped having sex. The devil attempts to pervert the God intended role of sex
before marriage, why would we think that he does not work to pervert it by
trying to stop it after marriage.
I understand there is more to a relationship than sex,
however intimacy is key in every relationship, and sex is an intimate component
of marriage. I would like to review several passages of scripture and reflect
on them just from the idea of sex inside of marriage.
Genesis 2:18
The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be
alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
When a man or women is left alone by their mate then they
are more susceptible to lust, and all the things that come with it. They can
include such things as emotional cheating, physical cheating, porn, lustful
romance novels or movies, etc.
Ephesians 5:31
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother
and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."
It is hard to become as one flesh if you ignore each other
sexually. Period. Physical distance will lead to relational distance, and later
to actual separation. You cannot be united if you are separated in anyway.
1 Corinthians 7:4
The wife does not have authority over her own body but
yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority
over his own body but yields it to his wife.
Like it or not when you said I do you turned over yourself,
fully yielded to the other person. This means in all things. It means if your
spouse doesn’t agree with something you want to do you need to stop and rethink
the thing. There needs to be discussion and agreement on all things. I hear
people all the time say, my (wife or husband) doesn’t like it but I am going to
do it anyway. That will never be a good thing, and cannot exist inside of a
biblical relationship. The same is true with sex, men and women use sex as a
tool to punish or reward each other. This is not right, and not biblical.
1 Corinthians 7:3
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and
likewise the wife to her husband.
This verse includes sex; with the expectation that the other
person not have sex with anyone else but their spouse there is the counter
expectation that each partner will have sex with each other. I have never met a
person in the process of a divorce say I don’t know how this happened we were
having sex every day. Have you? I have heard “I cannot believe they would sleep
with so and so”. The other person usually responds with “what do you care you
weren’t sleeping with me so what do you care if someone else wants me”…….. and
so one and so forth.
Read the following passage from the message bible.
1 Corinthians 7:3-6The Message (MSG)
2-6 Certainly—but only within a certain context. It’s good
for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are
strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a
balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage
bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the
wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for
your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.
Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to
it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times.
Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when
we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of
abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.
Satan has a way of tempting us when we least expect it. If
you have a marriage partner I would urge you to remove the sexual temptation
that often rears itself in a sexless marriage. If you can figure out how to
restore intimacy you will be surprised what that will fix.
It is my prayer that this will help someone.
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